spectred & scriptured

between quartz & obsidian

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frostbite

No, I told him. I don’t need your help getting home.

It’s a cold snowing night, the bitter wind gushes against my flake studded face, slush covers the pavement like used cotton wool. He’d pulled up in a silver Audi estate, the four rings gleaming for each of the years we were together. He smiles his shining smile trying to obliterate the past, his puppied eyes soften his usually hard face.

Please, he voices again through the semi open glass.

The pitch black staring back at me from the driverseat, noise from the passing cars on the main road deafens my ears.

I’m completely capable of reaching home by myself but thanks.

Can’t we at least speak? I need to talk to you…

… About?

What happened.

There’s nothing more to say, I don’t want to know. You destroyed everything, not me. It’s done.

Just get in the fucking car, don’t make this embarrassing.

You’re the embarrassment, do you really think I’m going to get in after you’ve spoken to me like that? Are you stupid? Please just go, leave me alone.

If you don’t fucking get in the car I’m going to drag you here myself in front of everyone.

Go home.

He unfastens his seatbelt and leaves through the driverside, the interior light glows against scented tan leather centering my sense of home I’ve been missing these last few weeks. His solid shadow casts darkly against the dotted xenons, I step back recoiling vertically as he reaches into my personal space on the walkway.

He looks at me intently and opens the passenger door.

11 responses

  1. deloreskirkwood avatar
    deloreskirkwood

    Writer’s who write well, does not need to use a work twice (that turn many off) into such a short piece. And within this piece you are saying nothing more than something happened shortly before. What is there to make me want to read more? The couple sound like teenagers battling for power. There is nothing in this paragraph that makes me want to know what is going on. Where is the hook? Just to find out what they are fighting for? What is at stake? Why should I care? What is there about the plot that should make me want to invest my time into these characters?

    Writer’s are artists, who paint pictures using an array of interesting words and scenarios. We must leave a gem or information or a potential clue in each paragraph (ideally), or at least on each page. Do not rush your story…sit and think about how you can bait your reader into wanting to know more about the happenings – give them a larger clue as to why it is important he speak to her, or that she NOT speak to him.

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    1. SQ avatar
      SQ

      Thank you for your comment. The paragraph is about the events that take place afterwards. The choice is always with her, some females do not realise this until it is too late even with people they think they know, this isn’t a story that will go on, there is no further investment in a plot. It’s not a bigger piece or strand, there is no hook, as you’ve said, it’s simply an account or an experience. There are no characters, it could be two people anywhere, it’s surprising how like teenagers grown-ups act these days. These written words are all about the unwritten events, there is always choice.

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    2. deloreskirkwood avatar
      deloreskirkwood

      Are you saying this is the middle of a story, or just a brief description of what you, as a writer, want to get across to readers? Because the choice is hers did not come out strong enough to me to make that point.

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    3. SQ avatar
      SQ

      An extract of an event, it’s left open-ended for the ‘choice’ to be made… with him speaking sweetly, turning nasty and then opening the door I wanted to show his manipulations in as short a word count as possible.

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  2. deloreskirkwood avatar
    deloreskirkwood

    And as I have just demostrated proof what you write to make sure fingers hit the correct keys after you wake up.

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    Reply
    1. SQ avatar
      SQ

      I deliberately used repetition here.

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    2. deloreskirkwood avatar
      deloreskirkwood

      I see. I usually just write…I am not that familiar with the purposes of blogging. Best wishes.

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    3. SQ avatar
      SQ

      It’s not a blog, I think we are at cross purposes : )

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    4. deloreskirkwood avatar
      deloreskirkwood

      I think we may be. I am not sure what babbledom.com is apparently. ; -)

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    5. SQ avatar
      SQ

      :::::::::: BABEL 1. CONFUSED NOISE, TYPICALLY THAT MADE BY A NUMBER OF VOICES 2. A SCENE OF NOISY CONFUSION

      :::::::::: BABELDOM 1. STATE OF CONFUSION 2. THE WORLD IN CONFUSION :::::::::: TOWER OF BABEL: (GENESIS 11:1-11) A TOWER BUILT BY NOAH’S DESCENDANTS (PROBABLY IN BABYLON) WHO INTENDED THE TOWER TO REACH UP TO HEAVEN; GOD FOILED THEM BY CONFUSING THEIR LANGUAGE SO THEY COULD NO LONGER UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER :::::::::: BABBLE 1. TO UTTER A MEANINGLESS CONFUSION OF WORDS OR SOUNDS V. 1. TO UTTER RAPIDLY AND INDISTINCTLY. 2. TO BLURT OUT IMPULSIVELY; DISCLOSE WITHOUT CAREFUL CONSIDERATION. N. 1. INARTICULATE OR MEANINGLESS TALK OR SOUNDS. 2. IDLE OR FOOLISH TALK; CHATTER. 3. A CONTINUOUS LOW, MURMURING SOUND, AS OF FLOWING WATER

      :::::::::: SOLILOQUIES OF VOICES RATTLING AROUND IN PROSE, POETRY AND AT TIMES, LUNACY.

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    6. deloreskirkwood  avatar
      deloreskirkwood 

      I am not much of a babbler, I am a bit unusual but in an interesting or intriguing way. You might say I am novel. ;-), but at times I fall short.

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